Spidey Super Stories #1 (Story 3)

Background

This is the first in a long, distinguished line of really lame villains that we meet. Watch out world, here comes the uber-villainy of the Spoiler!

Story 'Spidey Meets the Spoiler'

The story opens with a random splash page of the Spoiler and his oversize cymbals, creeping up on Spider-Man, who is too busy reading a comic book to even put this lame-o out of our misery. The caption reads, "Let's hope our web-slinger hasn't met his match!" Jesus, lets hope so, because if a guy wearing some kind of oatmeal sack with a big puffy thing on the end of his hat can defeat our web-slinger, Peter's going to have some serious trouble with, say Doctor Octopus, the Green Goblin, or even Chameleon. Heck, in that case, even Magic Burrito Boy ("Care for some hot sauce with that, Spidey?!"), Liquid Soap Dispenser-Man ("I use cleaning products in ways that are NOT factory-recommended!), or my six year-old sister could probably beat our web-slinger. Yeah, Mr. Caption, lets hope he hasn't met his match.

The story proper opens with Spidey finding a rubber-glove sandwich. Spidey makes the astute observation that, "You can't even chew it!" Apparently Aunt May makes the only edible kind of rubber-glove sandwiches. Spidey then sees a fire hydrant with a "No DOGS Allowed" sign. He thinks, "Who would spoil a dog's morning walk?" Maybe the public santation department, huh? I mean, c'mon Spidey, who wants to see a dog pee all over the sidewalk? No, Spidey immeadiately suspects super-villainy at work behind these dastardly acts.

We then meet the Spoiler, who is leaping towards us like some kind of spastic Olympic long-jumper. He takes a bow and arrow, and shoots (and spoils!) a balloon being held by an oblivious kid with a really dopey smile on her face. Where exactly this bow and arrow came from isn't really clear, since its about twice the size of his bag. Maybe his hobo purse is really a Magic Bag of Extreme Voluminity or something. Especially since he then pulls out cymbals as large as elephant ears for his next horrible assault on decent society.

The Spoiler (with cymbals) then sneaks up behind a unsuspecting couple sitting on a park bench. Now, I use couple in only the loosest sense, though while the girl looks like some refugee Jackie Kennedy clone, the guy is ten kinds of major nerd. His bowtie gives him away. How bad is it? I mean like a Harry-Osborn-on-his-worst-day-wouldn't-be-caught-dead-in-this-bowtie kind of bowtie. It's like some huge tropical spider, red with yellow polka dots, has attached itself to this guy's throat. This woman is obviously being paid by the hour to be seen in public with this loser. Apparently she's not being paid for her attention to detail, since when the Spoiler bangs his cymbals together on her ice cream, (spoiling it!) six inches from her head, she merely turns to her 'man' and asks, "Did you say something, dear?" Yeah, dear, I often make a giant metallic CLANG noises on the other side of your head when I talk. I think this girl came straight out of the test tube, frontal lobes pre-fried.

The Spoiler then embarks on his most terribly evil plan yet. He comes to a door, and says, "I also like to spoil signs. What if I made that OUT sign say IN?" Yeah, that may topple the world's economies or something. Great plan, NO ONE is stupid enough to fall for this. Well, up walks "Easy Reader", (yes, that's his name) a member of the Electric Company. All I can say about him is that if the Electric Company ever decides to become an escort service, Easy Reader would be jean-jacketed, sunglasses-wearing, Pimp Daddy Number One. He comes up to the door and says, "'IN?' Just where I wanted to go..." Now tell me with a straight face he isn't practicing his pimp-speak already. Then Easy Reader, unbelievingly, slams his enitre body into the door that won't open. He doesn't even TRY to reach for the handle, he just hurls himself face first at the door. He also screams, "HELP!" in bright pink neon letters (see what I mean...), before he falls to the ground, knocked unconscious by a closed door. As he falls, he's very concerned that he lost his place in his comic book (only 32 pages! That's only a few more than you can count on your fingers, but I know you can do it. Use your toes.) He's much more concerned about his comic book than the fact that he just gave himself a concussion and is now lying passed out in the street. Yup, that's Easy Reader for you.

We now move into the exciting confrontation. Spidey swings by, and the Spoiler says, "Let's duel, Spidey!" while he takes a plunger from his bag. Mmm-hmm. A plunger versus Spider-Man. The smart money was NOT on the Spoiler for this fight. Spidey decides to uh, duel him with a rolled up comic book. (ARGHH! Don't break the spine! You're creasing it, Spidey, stop! Stop!!... Oh well, it was probably just an issue of Spidey Super Stories anyway...) Spidey knocks away the plunger with his rolled up comic book, and then the Spoiler gets his magic cymbals out of thin air, saying something so clever I can't even think of anything to comment about it.
Spoiler: Now I will spoil your web head!
Spidey: You won't harm a hair on it!
Spidey then leaps away from the enormous clangy-sound made by the cymbals. In that panel, he actually looks like he shrunk down to two feet tall and flew away, but that's more a problem with Winslow Mortimer's penciling skills than the story. Many other things are the fault of the story.

Spidey then lures the Spoiler back to the scene of the whole IN/OUT door thing. Apparently, scavnegers have retrieved Easy Reader's body and sold it for parts, because he's not there anymore. Now stay with me here and pay attention, because it gets a little complex. Spidey takes the 'IN' sign off the door, so it again reads 'OUT', just as it originally did. Spidey then (somehow) gets on the other side of this door, and the Spoiler comes up to it. The Spoiler, who jointly shares the "so-stupid-I've never-mastered-door-technology award" with Easy Reader, tries to go in the 'OUT' door. One would think, since he PUT the 'IN' sign there, that he would know that the door is an out door. Especially since as a friendly reminder, Spidey switched the signs so it even says 'OUT' again. But no, someone hasn't been taking their Ritalin, and the Spoiler pushes on the door as Spidey opens it from the inside and slams the Spoiler 30 feet backwards, hard enough to make the Spoiler's body shatter a brick wall. Presumably, it was also hard enough to shatter the Spoiler's spine and liquefy his internal organs, which are slowly leaking out through a gaping chest wound. Jesus Spidey, leave something for the kids to bury. I mean, sure he was evil and all, but slamming him headfirst through a brick wall seems a tad severe for smashing ice cream and pointing out Easy Reader's stupidity. Spidey sypathetically says, "Boy, he sure spoiled that wall!" and then has a laugh at his own cleverness.

General Comments

I think the Spoiler didn't really focus enough in his criminal identity. Ok, you're the Spoiler. So what do you plan on spoiling? Spoiler: "Well, gee, pretty much everything, I guess..." See what I mean? You're just never going to accomplish your criminal goals like that. Maybe he could be the Pretty-Flower Spoiler, or the Clean-Underwear Spoiler, but let's narrow it down a bit, eh?

Alright, let's talk about his outfit. All brown, covering his whole body, made out of some kind of burlap sack. The word 'SPOILER' in big yellow letters on his chest. Big rips in his knees, gloves, boots and by his belly-button that are NOT supposed to be there. A ratty cape. And a hood covering the upper part of his face that ends in a big yellow puffy ball. You know the kind, the ones on the winter hats your Mom would make you wear to grade school and then big Brett White would come over and pull on it and say, "Ha! You stupid puffy-head little loser!" And then he'd make you eat the black snow. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

But anyway, don't you think the Spoiler should have tested his success as a super-villain before getting his name embrodiered on his sack/outfit? I mean, maybe he could fix some of the rips in his costume first, before embarking on his criminal career. You don't show up in ripped oatmeal sacks when you're intereviewing with Price-Waterhouse. Try and dress for success, Spoiler. You can start accessorizing the oufit later.

Overall Rating

4 webs. I think Spoiler deserves a place in Spider-Man's rogue gallery, preferably slightly to the left of Spot, and directly behind Big Wheel and Drom, the Backwards Man.