Spider-Man Heroes & Villains Collection (UK) #51

Background

This is a 60-part weekly series being pumped into the market by Eaglemoss publications. They don't know much about Spidey, but they know that 60 * $8.99 = quite a lot. And I'm the kind of idiot who will spend that sort of money without doing the math.

There's an original 7-page story in every issue, and collectible trading cards too. Sure, the stories are terrible, the art has been 90% ghastly, and the price is far, far too high. But there's glossy paper, trading cards, and an original Spider-Man comic strip series that 99% of the U.S. collectors will never own!

Story 'The Badlander'

Back in the past, Captain Britain is standing in front of a dimensional portal set somewhere amidst a Druidic stone circle in England. Suddenly Spider-Man comes crashing through, looking for Harry Osborn. Oh, yeah, I remember now. Harry went through the Oscorp portal a few issues ago. So, it's time to wring yet another anemic story from that damned portal. Fine, whatever.

Spider-Man and Captain Britain immediately fight for a page or so. Because that's what heroes do whenever they meet each other, naturally. It's a rule. Then Captain Britain explains that he just received his powers three weeks ago, after dying in a motorcycle accident, being resurrected by Merlin and Roma, and... *yawn*. Sorry, I dozed off for a moment there.

Anyhow, now Captain Britain doesn't know what to do. So he built this inter-dimensional time/space portal and... what? Really? This is a guy who knows how to break down the barriers of space and time, who has been given a second life, and he's moaning because he can't think of anything worth doing? Oh, cry me a freaking river, baby-boy. Seriously, dude. If nothing comes to mind, then just go and buy another motorcycle and do the job properly this time.

Suddenly a giant demonic being comes through the portal. Spider-Man and Captain Britain forget their argument and fight the hackneyed plot point (i.e. the common threat). Now Captain Britain has a purpose in life. Forget science. Forget magic. Forget philosophy. Sweaty violence, that's the path for a true hero in life!

General Comments

I struggle to explain to you just how contemptible I find this sad excuse for a magazine. Mere words cannot do justice to the mixture of apathy and antipathy which underpins the nausea that I feel when reaching for each new issue. Suffice perhaps to say, that this is not the highlight of my week.

Overall Rating

We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now. Fortunately, there's only nine issues left to go. I'll be counting them down!