This is a 60-part weekly series being pumped into the market by Eaglemoss publications. They don't know much about Spidey, but they know that 60 * $8.99 = quite a lot. And I'm the kind of idiot who will spend that sort of money without doing the math.
There's an original 7-page story in every issue, and collectible trading cards too. Sure, the stories are terrible, the art has been 90% ghastly, and the price is far, far too high. But there's glossy paper, trading cards, and an original Spider-Man comic strip series that 99% of the U.S. collectors will never own!
In this issue, The Dread Dormammu has captured The Black Cat.
No, seriously. Stop laughing. Yes, it's ludicrous. But that is the heart of our story. Please try and keep a straight face while I relate what happens next.
The Dormammu wishes to defeat Spider-Man, so he now uses "The Crimson Bands of Cyttorak" to project the Black Cat's "Bad Luck" powers across the dimensions back to Earth to zap Spider-Man and get rid of Peter Parker's "good luck".
However, as we know, Peter doesn't have good luck. He has bad luck. So, by the rules of magic, that means he now gets good luck. For example, he picks up a lottery ticket off the floor. Then he turns on the TV just in time to learn that he is the winner of 13 million. Hey cool. Peter is happy!
Then the TV tells him of "a strange disturbance in the dockside area". So naturally, Peter leaves his 13 million dollar lottery ticket sitting next to an open window while he goes out web-swinging. Honestly. This is what he does.
Spider-Man swings over to the docks, where he encounters Mysterio. Bad luck for Mysterio, as his sophisticated trap just explodes in his face. Spider-Man wins without raising a finger. Similarly, The Vulture, and even Jonah Jameson are defeated by complete random events whenever they attempt to attack Spider-Man.
Back in the Dread Dormammu's Dark Dimension, Dormammu is angry. Things are not going according to plan. But it's about to get worse. You see, the Black Cat's magic bad luck Jinx powers have become so super, super powerful that she simply walks free of the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak. Then, raising a finger, she points at Dormammu and extinguishes his flaming head. Dormammu runs away in terror.
Unfortunately, the Black Cat's freedom means the end of the magic spell, and the end of Spider-Man's good luck. His lottery ticket blows out of the window. And as we know, Spider-Man is powerless to climb out of a window and recover a piece of paper. Bad luck, Peter!
Another piece of bad luck too, as the janitor from Oscorp Tower tells Peter that his rent is going up because of some recent damages to the tower.
Just when I think this magazine can't get any more stupid, it goes and proves me wrong. Sure, these characters look like the Spider-Man, Black Cat, and Dormammu that I know from real comic books. But there the resemblance ends.
Black Cat is a super-witch who can defeat Dormammu with a pointed finger? Peter Parker doesn't even have the brains to stick a 13-million dollar lottery ticket somewhere safer than sitting next to an open window? Dormammu is a simpering coward?
I have been trying to avoid handing out a rock-bottom rating to these stories too early, because I knew I had to leave myself a bit of room for if things got really bad.
Well, they have gotten really bad.
Here ya go then. A stone cold, "worst of the worst" half-web rating.
And why is Peter even living in the Oscorp Tower any more? Harry and Norman haven't been seen for ages. Peter could only afford a luxury apartment because his pal Harry was paying the rent. Clearly that is no longer the case, so how and why is Peter even still there?