Spider-Man Heroes & Villains Collection (UK) #52

Background

This is a 60-part weekly series being pumped into the market by Eaglemoss publications. They don't know much about Spidey, but they know that 60 * $8.99 = quite a lot. And I'm the kind of idiot who will spend that sort of money without doing the math.

There's an original 7-page story in every issue, and collectible trading cards too. Sure, the stories are terrible, the art has been 90% ghastly, and the price is far, far too high. But there's glossy paper, trading cards, and an original Spider-Man comic strip series that 99% of the U.S. collectors will never own!

We're into the final stretch now, with only nine issues left to go. Let's sum up the plot so far.

Norman Osborn was also Green Goblin the leader of the Sinister Six, and he built a techno-mystic space-time portal at Oscorp Tower. The "Six" were defeated, and Norman has been in hospital with amnesia pretty much ever since.

Peter moved into Oscorp tower "to help Harry with his homework", except that Harry and Peter almost never goes to college.

Finally, note that the guys from S.H.I.E.L.D. were super-interested in the portal, but then they kind of wandered off, leaving a fantastic device that offers infinite power hanging around to be a fallback plot device for lazy comic book writers.

Story 'Doom of the Goblin'

A few issues ago, Harry got sucked through the portal and vanished. This issue opens with Spider-Man travelling through the portal and finding Harry (back in time, only a moment after he disappeared) in the castle of Doctor Doom. Doctor Doom has a time-space portal too, it seems, identical to the one that Norman made.

Spider-Man and Harry are easily defeated by Doombots, and are locked in a cell together. But Doom has screwed up. By "complete accident" the cell turns out to contain a cupboard with all of the Green Goblin's equipment, along with enough tools for Harry to get it working.

Harry dons the Green Goblin costume, and together the "New Green Goblin" and Spider-Man join forces to break out of the cell, defeat the guards, find their way back to Doom's portal and hence get back to Oscorp Tower. But when they get safely back home, Harry wants to keep the costume and become the new Green Goblin.

Naturally, this was Doctor Doom's plan all along.

General Comments

This magazine constantly amazes me with it's ability to be comprised of 2% plot, 6% drivel, and 100% stupid.

Harry Osborn is an expert in the repair and use of the Green Goblin's equipment. When did that happen? This is a guy who (a) needs help with his college homework, and who (b) didn't even know that his father was the Green Goblin?

Doctor Doom plans to use the New Green Goblin to destroy his foes? Why? One Doombot is more powerful than Spider-Man anyhow. Not only that, he has the ability to travel through space and time already!

And why did Spider-Man think it was a good idea to have Harry dress up in the Goblin Costume. Together they smashed open the cell door to escape. But Spider-Man is stronger than the Green Goblin... so Spidey could have smashed open the door by himself.

Dumbest of all is the idea that Spider-Man and Harry would believe that Doom "accidentally" locked them in a laboratory containing the Green Goblin costume and equipment. Yeah, Doom often screws up like that. Sure. Yeah. Silly old Doom.

Overall Rating

Would it be excessive to suggest that a retarded wombat with a broken leg could scrape out a more intelligent script than this, using nothing more than a sharp stick, a used paper napkin, and two weeks worth of its own fetid excrement?

I'm not sure. But after 52 issues of this title, I'm starting to believe that it might just be a good investment to try and find out.

Half a web. They don't get any worse. Surely. Please? Mommy?