Evil Bald Tube-headed Cyborgs Vickie and Frankie latest attempt at luring Venom into their captivity, which involved STOMPY-FUN Mecha Armor Suits and pheromone amplifiers has failed. Which really isn't surprising seeing as how their previous plans involved shooting at innocent civilians, and then dropping on an Atomic bomb on the town of Voici that was just barely powerful enough to knock off Wolverine's shirt. The Baldy Doubles STOMPY-FUN Mecha Armor Suits and all were easily disposed of by Venom and the Suit. You know, when you actually lose a fight to The Suit you must really suck.
Speaking of ineffectiveness the now-shirtless Wolverine was easily captured and possessed by Venom, off panel no-less thus leading to the creation WolVenom. Who looks sort of like a Tamers-era (Season 3) evil Digimon. Meanwhile the Suit embarked on yet another plan to capture/destroy Venom, this one involving building an alternate cell phone (Deuce Deus Ex Nokia)and turning Patricia Robertson into a Bald Tube-headed Cyborg Woman. In hindsight if Daniel Way actually told Paco Medina to give these women different facial features so that we could actually tell them apart once they're in Tube Headed Cyborg mode.
Anyway Mr. Suit's ingenious plan ended like all of his previous efforts to capture Venom, with Suit promptly torn in half. I predict next issue The Suit will try a brilliant plan to capture Venom that involves painting a tunnel against the side of a cliff and then strapping on rocket-powered roller skates.
The newly Tube-Headed Cyborg Powered Robertson was left unarmed and alone with WolVenom who had snagged Deuce Deus Ex Nokia. Then Vic and Frankie Showed up... in another spaceship/hellicarrier showing no signs for the worse. In fact it appears that someone sent duplicate Vic & Frankies.
Oh god if this plot involves cloning...
As our issue opens up, the doppelganger Vic and Frankie noticing something some thing has grabbed the main rotor blade of their ship. We then cut back to see that WolVenon has managed to shoot a line of webbing up hundreds of feat into the air and snag their aircraft. This sends Vic and Frankie's ship crashing into the ground. Luckily being able to survive with their lives, Frankie II responds that it was "...beautiful, More than I dreamed it would be." Judging by the look on her face, Frankie II is apparently like one of the sadomasochists from David Cronenberg's "Crash." Seriously, this is a girl with issues.
The Duplicate Baldy Doubles quickly change into slightly Stompy-Fun Mecha Armor Suits. Vic II tells Frankie II that she "always looked good in black" and plants a kiss on her cheek. So I guess even though the original Vic and Frankie shot a bunch of innocent people, and killed countless more with an atomic bomb, and made Wolverine shirtless we're supposed to feel a degree of sympathy for them (or at least their duplicates)because they feel affection for each other. So apparently thinly-implied lesbian Mass Murderers, are more sympathetic than the regular kind.
Since it's been about two issues since we've had any creepy subtext Frankie II immediately finds WolVenom and tries to seduce him. "Take... Me... You... want me. You Need me..." Ick... Wolvenom promptly kills her.
Vic II meanwhile radios back to HQ and states that she has lost contact with Frankie II, and thus this means that Frankie must have succeeded in her mission. She then to her horror finds a STOMPY-FUN Mecha Armor clad body in her snow. Vic II is horrified to find out that the body is NOT Frankie II but is in fact the original Vic.
Vic II's supervisor tells her to disregard what she just saw and continue her mission, but Vic II is clearly traumatized. And proceeds to give us a big speech.
"You... Lied to us. You said we were special... that you wouldn't make any more clones because we were perfect. How many of us are there?N No. We believed in you and you lied to us. You used us to create hell on earth by promising that we'd walk in heaven by your side. Now I see that that would have never have happened. Now I see my destiny lies here."
Vic II then places her gun against her head, and the camera then cuts away from what happens next. We cut back to see the Bald Tube-Headed Cyborg Patricia Robertson back inside the original Baldy Doubles aircraft hearing a loud "BLAM" from outside.
On a side not, Daniel Way is a very, very bad man. I called it last issue, he brought back clones to the Spidey Section of the Marvel Universe.
Robertson finds her own STOMPY-FUN Mecha Armor suit, grabs a wrench knocks open a safe full of grenades. I don't know but if were Robertson if I saw a sign on a vault that read "Danger Explosives" I wouldn't swing at it with a wrench.
The Suit warns Robertson that the grenades will prove ineffective and that what she needs to do is grab "the phone." Not that "the phone" has proven particularly effective against Venom in the past. Robertson grabs a-hold of the duplicate Deus ex Nokia, and is given a quick primer on how to use it. After instructing her on how to turn it on, Suit quickly instructs to her to run. Sure enough, WolVenom, now looking even more like an Evil Digimon than ever bursts through a hole in the wall behind her.
Roberston stumbles about in her STOMPY-FUN Mecha Armor suit, tripping on some cable lines. Suit instructs to Robertson to press "redial," "one," and "send." While WolVenom tries to strangle her. Just before Wolvenom can strike the fatal blow, he suddenly notices that his chest is beeping, looking down and crying out "SSSSHAAAA!"
Suddenly both Wolverine and Venom are engulfed in a field of light. James "Logan" Howlett holds out his arms in a crucified position, clearly a symbol of the divine power of Deus Ex Nokia.
"Can you hear me now?" Logan asks... "Good" before passing out. Clearly overwhelmed by the mighty cell phone. You see, Suit implanted the original cellphone (and true star of this comic) into Wolverine's chest. I mean if surely if Logan can shrug off the blast of an Atomic Bomb, why shouldn't he be unable to notice a foreign object imbedded into his chest.
We then cut to see Robertson laying down in a fetal position. With Suit congratulating her. "It is over." He says. Oh if only that was true Mr. The Suit... if only that was true. Robertson carries the Suit's severed upper torso outside.
"It is understandable that you are traumatized by these events, even though the control device which I grafted to your skull removed any possibility that the creature would assume control of your body." Suit expositions.
Robertson points out that the symbiote still could have killed her. Suit treats this as an afterthought "Once I am whole, I will remove the device. It will be painless." he politely points out.
"No. It stays." Robertson says smashing the duplicate cellphone easily in her newly Venomized hands. "It's the only way I can control it. It's the only way I can stop it." We cut away to see The Suit's head & shoulders webbed to a tree trunk, presuambly so that he can be gnawed to death by rabid beavers as VenoRobertson walks away. VenoRobertson is my new hero, so what if this whole "control the villain against his will" thing is EXACTLY like what Alex did with Eclipso in a much better storyline within the pages of JSA?
We cut back to see Wolverine regaining consciousness, finding the fallen wreckage of Deus Ex Nokia on the floor. The almighty cellphones has sadly died for the sins of this title, if not all mankind. "Sunnuva... booby trapped me. heh, should have thought'a that myself..." Logan gets to his feat, and showing a totally out of character lack of curiosity about what just happened. And decides to head to the next town with bar, about a hundred miles away. "No Tellin' what I'll find there." I should complain some more about Wolverine's characterization here, but if I too was in this comic I would want a drink to get as much distance from Daniel Way as possible too. As Wolverine walks away we notice that The Suit's head is gone. We can only pray it was eaten by rabid beavers.
We fade in 18 days later to see Patricia/Venobertson talking on a payphone to an old friend named Jack in Buffalo, New York. She asks her friend to send a message to her mother that she's ok and that she has something very important to do. She abruptly cuts off the conversation hanging up and crying.
We then cut away to find... Vic and Frankie AGAIN. It turns out that the latest batch of Baldy Double clones have been tapping the very payphone that Robertson was talking on. A mysterious voice asks the Vic & Frankie clones to keep monitoring the situation. We cut away in some office to see a shadowy Kingpin-like figure with a Super Mario Brothers-esc mustache. "Finally..." he says. "We Can End this." We cut away outside to see a very-cool looking Paco Medina drawn Spidey.
The best thing I can say about this arc is that it ended. I mean how hard is it to do a passable book about Wolverine fighting Venom when you got Paco Medina doing the art? I mean you could just tell him draw 24-strait pages of Venom and Wolverine trying to stab each other and be done with it. But no, no... Medina throws in clones, space ships, STOMPY-FUN Mecha Armor, and a secret conspiracy in a story that makes absolutely no sense. In fact the whole point of the story seems to be to create a semi-cool looking Wolverine/Venom hybrid that would make a neat action figure but alas never actually does anything particularly interesting in the book.
In the long run the story serves as a whole to make Wolverine look like a dolt, make the villains (Vic & Frankie) look like even bigger dolts, and make The Suit look like the biggest most incompetent dolt in the universe.
You know the past few months haven't been too good for Daniel Way, I mean his Ant-Man series has been canceled, as has his Deathlock series, and worst of all... Venom is still being published.
I give this book half a web for Paco Medina's art, and half a web for Robertson finally getting a little payback on The Suit for zapping her dozens of times.
Tune in next month as Patricia Robertson becomes "Lethal Protector."