Venom #9

Background

In our last issue of Venom, Vic and Frankie the two mysterious women who were stalking Venom were really BALD FREAKY TUBE-HEADED CYBORGS!!! The newly dubbed "Baldy Doubles" captured Lt. Patricia Robertson and then dropped a nuclear bomb on the small town of Voici, which miraculously left The Suit, Wolverine, Venom, and the suit's cellphone pretty much unharmed. Say it with me WORST NUKE EVER!

Meanwhile we learned that "The Suit," the MIB-esc android filled with little spidery robots obsessed with hunting down Venom is somehow connected to Reed Richards. And get this, Wolverine knows this just by looking at him. Considering how every confrontation between Suit and Venom has ended with Suit being ripped in half, perhaps Mr. Fantastic would have been better off sending H.E.R.B.I.E the Robot after him.

Wolverine continued to guest-star but really didn't do anything of notice other than managing to survive standing at ground zero at a nuclear attack. Oh and Venom got to ride a snowmobile!

Story Details

Our issue opens up with Wolverine laying among the rumble of the former town of Voici, as we hear the VVVVVMMMMMM of Vic and Frankie's space-craft/hovercarrier in the background. On the last panel of the page Wolverine's eyes open up widely, as if someone had woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Oh and did I mention the only apparent injury he's suffered from being hit by a nuke is that he's now shirtless?

We cut back to the insides of the "Baldy Doubles" spaceship. The ship's computer informs them that Venom is in it's "Transitive" or "goopy" state without a host body. Their logic being that with all the potential hosts in the nearby area nuked Venom will be forced to jump on one of them.

"If it wants to live, it'll come to us... and it's not like we're plying hard to get. These cranial implants we have that amplify our pheromonal broadcast make us virtually irresistible to the creature while at the same time allowing us to retain both physical and psychological control of our bodies in the event of possession." Vic or Frankie explains. Uh... yeah.

Anyway the "Baldy Doubles" are now in STOMPY FUN MECHA ARMOR SUITS. The two decide to deal with the seemingly unconscious (but still wrench wielding) Robertson later. Vic (or is it Frankie) points out "this is what we've been training for our entire lives. This is our destiny." Frankie (or is it Vic?) is wondering if this might be anti-climatic.

Wait a minute, if the idea is that these two actually want to force Venom to attach itself to one of them, isn't wearing a huge bulky suit of mechanized armor kind of superfluous? The two stomp out of the hanger of their ship was Robertson watches on from behind. "Now let's go get some!" Vic or Frankie yells. Yawn.

Meanwhile back at the crater James "Logan" Howlett stumbles to his feat, a scar on his chest being the only visible wound he has FROM BEING HIT BY AN ATOMIC BLAST.... sorry just thought I would stress that for dramatic purposes.

"Ok lasides, let's try this again... an' this time..." he says grimacing. "...you better have a bigger bomb!" Wolverine pops his claws in a panel in which he's presented so hideously off-model with a Liefeldian physique that makes you wonder if Paco Medina's even trying here.

Meanwhile Vic, Frankie, and their STOMPY FUN MECHA ARMOR have tracked down Venom to the shambles of a house wrecked from the blast. After a brief investigation the two come to the conclusion that the symbiote is in the cellar. Meanwhile lurking in the background a figure snatches an ax from a nearby tree stump. Frankie opens the cellar door and suddenly without warning a mass of symbiote covered bugs with little toothy skull faces swarm over her armor. Venom resumes it's humanoid form and smashes Frankie, stompy fun mecha armor and all like a bug. Vic meanwhile fires a Cable-esc improbably large phallic machine gun at the symbiotic bug mass, but the bullets pass right through it. You know for someone who's allegedly been training to fight Venom her whole life, you'd think Vic would know that bullets are ineffective against the creature regardless of size.

Vic pulls back, radioing into her base that Frankie is dead and that plan B didn't work. Suddenly The Suit jumps from behind and manages to incapacitate Vic's mecha suit with an ax. Seriously, I don't care whether The Suit has super-strong nano-android-whatever strength any STOMPY FUN MECHA SUIT that can be harmed by a simple ax is really freakin' lame. Suit then touches Vic's hand and with a "VVZZZ" zaps the woman to death... or maybe just into unconsciousness. As Suit walks away, the radio on Vic's mecha picks up a message. "Be advised: Second Unit has been deployed and is en-route."

Suit calmly walks into Vic & Frankie's spaceship/hovercarrier, where Lt. Robertson greats him by doing what we the reader have been dreaming of doing for months, bludgeoning The Suit with a monkey wrench. Alas this proves highly ineffective.

"I was unaware that you had survived the nuclear assault. This is problematic." Mr. Suit says. The android walks outside, pops open Vic's mecha and retrieves a collar. "Hey wait! What're you--" Before Robertson can respond, Suit FWWAAAAASSSSHH!'s her into unconsciousness for the 100th time this series.

Outside Wolverine notices a flash of green light as he closes into investigate he notices a pile of dead cockroaches, which should have survived the atomic blast. Suddenly without warning Venom pops up from the ground, the symbiote mass enveloping the mutant.

Back on the ship Robertson gradually wakes up, wondering what exactly has gone on. Meanwhile the Suit's Deus Ex Nokia is surrounded by a few of his helpful nano-bots.

"I am constructing a new communication device. I have implemented a strategy to capture and destroy the creature this plan is contingent upon the elimination of all possible hosts. You were a possible host and I did not want to kill you." The gray-haired Agent Smith look-alike explains. "Therefore I have taken measures to ensure--" Alas before Suit can finish his explanation, Robertson suddenly and without warning pulls back the hood of her coat to reveal that... *cues ominous music*

You're not going to believe this...

Wait for it...

She too has been turned into a BALD FREAKY TUBE-HEADED CYBORG! Oh the shock and the horror. I'm just sure Daniel Way snapped his fingers when he thought this plot point up, assured that he just thought up some brilliant ironic twist of fate here. Robertson has just became the thing she hated... er was briefly threatened by.

Needless to say our hapless heroine isn't exactly pleased with this situation. Suit tries to explain how he's implanted a device that will allow her to trap the symbiote, but well Robertson is clearly too upset to listen. Using her newfound, presumably enhanced BALD FREAKY TUBE-HEADED CYBORG strength to the suit like a ragdoll. Sending him flying into the wall.

Without warning, suddenly a set of claws burst through the metal side of the ship stabbing into The Suit. Suit asks Robertson to hand him Deus Ex Nokia, but the claws easily cut the android in half for the 1000th time this series.

"Hello Patricia... Love your new look..." Robertson is suddenly greeted by a Venom/Wolverine hybrid that really, doesn't look all that much different from regular old venom. Although he does have some neat spiky hair that looks more like he swapped it from Ash from Pokemon than Logan.

Robertson makes a rush for the cellphone but WolVenom snatches it first. Just as it looks like it's curtains for our protagonist, a sudden pink beam bursts through the wall. We cut away to see that laser was fired by none other by Vic and Frankie... who have their wigs back in a second space ship.

Wha...?

General Comments

Good god what an incomparable mess... I have nothing else to say.

Overall Rating

In short Daniel Way has managed to combine cyborgs, robot armor, androids, a horribly misused guest-star and I fear clones in a laughably bad story. I'll give one web by sole virtue of Paco Medina's art.