Spidey Super Stories #9 (Story 3)

Background

Yes, Spidey Super Stories can even create super-villains inspired by the Easter Bunny. They're THAT good. Now I'm just waiting for some Christmas obsessed kid to become the inevitable "Santa Claws" or something and go around shredding other kids' Christmas presents, and I think we'll have desecrated all the major Christian holidays.

Story Details

So Spidey is relaxing in his easy chair, reading the Daily Bugle when our story begins. The headline on the newspaper is: "FUNNY BUNNY STRIKES". Which pretty much kicks the crap out of any newspaper headline you would see today. In real newspapers we don't even get the kind of headlines they have in suspense movies like "Killer Still on the Loose - Police Totally Helpless" or "Nightstalker Claims Eighth Victim - When Will the Mutilations End?" much less something as cool as this Bunny thing. Nope, today all headlines are about trade agreements or whether President Bush wears anything underneath his suit. Plus all the amazing shocking scandal headlines about how, my god, some of our representatives may be sort of like other people and have affairs occasionally. Like much of the nation, I was utterly shocked the first 27 different times I heard about that happening. After that, it became a little passe.

So I'm really glad that some newspaper editors realize that no one really cares about politics or celebrities, we want to hear about insane people in colorful costumes as much as possible. Makes us feel a lot better about ourselves.

So after reading the headline, Spidey wonders aloud to the empty room, "Who is the Funny Bunny, anyway?" And since there's no one to answer him, Mr. Caption decides to magically answer him with an extended flashback sequence, which apparently was piped directly into Spidey's brain.

Mr. Caption: The Funny Bunny was a nice, normal person... until a bully sat on her Easter Basket!
We see a ten-year-old girl who is vainly trying to push some rotten teenager off of her Easter Basket. For no apparent reason (other than Evil), he's just done a flying leap onto her Easter Basket, which smashes all the eggs and also coats his body with colorful hard-boiled eggs chunks. Man, I wouldn't want to be smelling him tomorrow. That stuff can be tough to get out of leather.

Funny Bunny: And so I turned to a life of crime, stealing from kids' Easter Baskets!
So of course, the little girl goes utterly insane and declares vengeance on the entire world. Well, what did you expect? What I want to know is where she found a giant rabbit outfit with little pink claws and an enormous jack o' lantern-style head. I would kill for something like that for next Halloween.

So then as proof of the Funny Bunny's commitment to pure, undiluted evil, we see her sneaking up on some unsuspecting kids holding Easter baskets. And when I say kids, I mean "retarded adults pretending to be kids." Apparently the Short Circus was unavailable for further humiliation in this issue, and they were forced to use the actors who play Pedro and Rita the Director as the Kids with Easter Baskets. And as you can see on the splash page, absolutely nothing compares to seeing a balding kid with blue knee-high socks (pulled up all the way, 'cause it's so cool), purple shorts, and a red and yellow polka dot bow tie. The Funny Bunny is pretty messed-up, but I bet she took one look at Pedro Jr. and thought to herself, "Man, now THERE is a kid with problems." Rita Jr. is looking a little less pathetic, but not so much that kids wouldn't throw spitwads at her as she walks down the hall at school.

I just don't understand why our extreme-penciller Winslow Mortimer didn't just draw them as kids instead of adults dressed up as kids. Also, you'll notice that the Funny Bunny kind of has the body shape of an overweight construction worker instead of a ten year old girl. I think to draw them otherwise would sort of make more sense and not be so damn stupid looking. But never let it be said that Spidey Super Stories takes the easy way out when there's humiliation to spread around. Far, far from it.

So begins the horribly embarrassing evil of the Funny Bunny, a shame to better super-villains everywhere. (Though none are in this comic, that's for sure)
Pedro Jr.: Guess what's in my basket!
Rita Jr.: And you guess what's in mine! *they both close their eyes*
Pedro Jr.: Jelly Beans!
Rita Jr.: A Chocolate Duckie!
*the Funny Bunny quietly walks up and steals the contents of both Easter Baskets they're holding. Yes, as they're holding them.*
Pedro Jr. and Rita Jr.: Right! *they open their eyes*
Rita Jr.: Wait! You're wrong. I don't have anything!

*Especially not a brain! Sorry, too hard to resist.*
Pedro Jr.: Neither do I!
Rita Jr.: *gets that I-might-become-homicidal-at-any-moment look in her eyes* We've been ROBBED. Help! Police!

Oh, man, where to begin with this? Well, let's just skip right to Pedro Jr. and his chocolate duckie. He lets other people call it a 'duckie'? Sure this kid is a third grader with a bad comb-over and the fashion sense of a blind marmoset, but even he should have a little more self-respect than this. It's almost painful to look at him. Not that this scene isn't painful enough on its own. And I don't see how stealing from Easter baskets is really front-page crime wave material. You know those nasty hard marshmallow things shaped like lambs and ducks that you always get in your Easter basket? The Bunny-Girl can just have that stuff.

So Spidey sits around, then decides that, "Of course! The Funny Bunny will go to... the Easter Egg Roll on the White House Lawn!" Hehehehe. Gerald Ford is just gonna love this! Somehow, as president he always got the best (meaning worst) super-hero crossovers. Though there was that time the Avengers rescued Ronald Reagan from Plant Man and his army of plant clones...

So Spidey hops on a subway bound for Washington D.C. You know, that one subway that runs right from New York to D.C., with... the, uh... trains *mumbles* and, and the tunnels... *mumble mumble* and the *tiny voice* um, tracks I guess... Ok you got me, there's no subway from New York to D.C. Hey, I didn't write it, I just read it. And then make fun of it.

So on the White House lawn some Important-Looking Lady is standing on a podium surrounded by disadvantaged inner-city school children wielding sticks. Oh, wait, I guess they're supposed to use the sticks as part of the Easter Egg Roll. Does anyone out there know if this really happened at the White House every year? Because inviting street kids onto the White House lawn and arming them with big sticks just sounds like you're asking for trouble.

Important-Looking Lady: The first one to cross the finish line will win a Chocolate Bunny!
Mr. Caption: Little do they know that a Not-So-Funny Bunny is ready to steal the Easter Eggs! *we see the Funny Bunny crouching in some bushes*
Mr. Caption: But someone else is ready, too!
Spidey: I'm ready! *also hiding in some bushes*

So yes, both Spidey and the Funny Bunny have passed through White House security and are crouching in the bushes in the middle of the White House lawn. I don't know if the Secret Service was too busy spit-polishing their shoes to stop them or something, but I bet they're going to hear about this one in the next Congressional Investigation. Spidey and the Bunny can't be that hard to spot, they're the only ones dressed in head-to-toe primary color animal outfits.

So the kids start the Easter Egg Roll, using sticks to roll the eggs along the entire White House lawn.
Mr. Caption: *the Funny Bunny leaps out of the bushes* The Funny Bunny Hops!
Oh, I'm terrified now. Let me guess what's next. "The Funny Bunny Munches On Celery!" "The Funny Bunny Dies of Fright When Handled!" "The Funny Bunny Cleans Herself With Her Tongue!" Heh.

Then Spider-Man immediately jumps out of the bushes and webs up the Funny Bunny in one shot before he even gets close to one of the Rolling Easter Eggs. It's a good thing that super-heroes don't have their hands tied by that stupid "they actually have to commit a crime before you can arrest them" thing like our goofy-ass justice system.

Important-Looking Lady:(to Spidey) Good work, young man. You've been a great help to your country.

So Spidey saved the country this time. That makes once he's saved the world, once he's saved the jungle, and once he's saved just the entire U.S. so far. And we've still got one more story to go. Man, he's had a busy issue.

So meanwhile, the Stupid Inner-City Kids have finished the Easter Egg Roll Thingy. And I'm not making any generalizations here, just saying these particular inner-city children happen to have the intelligence of rock salt.
Stupid Inner-City Kid 1: Hey Lady! This is a real bunny! You promised us a chocolate bunny!
Stupid Inner-City Kid 2: C'mon, let's split!

Yeah, the White House is way lame. Obviously living in the inner city they only know of giant anthropomorphic cartoon rabbits like those found on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Otherwise, they might be able to recognize that this five-foot high white and pink monstrosity is not in fact a 'real' rabbit like they think. It's actually an insane 7th grader in a big... rabbit suit... You know, just go right on believing that's what real rabbits look like. It's just too hard to explain otherwise.

So as Spidey drags the Funny Bunny away into the sunset, we get a parting comment from the White House lady.
Important-Looking Lady: Who was that man in the red-and-blue suit?

Um, you don't know? So you just saw two random people jump out of the White House bushes and one shoot some gooey net at the other, and then you let them go. Is this such a common sight on the White House lawn that you don't even take them in for questioning or something? Hmm... unless maybe she thought Gerald Ford was the one in the bunny suit and she better not ask too many questions... Hmm...

General Comments

You know, when most people get mad because a teenager has done something mean to them, they plot some kind of revenge, sure. But then most people don't hold ALL OF HUMANITY responsible for his specific crimes. How many times in this comic has some pre-teen decided that the only way to acquire a proper revenge is to dress up like an asylum escapee and then punish the ENTIRE WORLD. I mean, stealing from every kid in America's Easter basket because yours got wrecked? Couldn't you have just cut the brake line on the punk-teenager's Harley or something? Is this really necessary?

Man, this story really makes me reconsider having any kids. Because according to this comic, all adolescents have hair-trigger sanity and if even the slightest thing goes wrong or someone is mean to them or denies them in any way, they go insane and dress up in ridiculous costumes and steal things. Also I learned that some adolescents are bald, and no one wants to see that.

But I'd really hate to deal with this every month.
*insistent knocking on my door. I open the door, and the police are there with my future son in tow*
Police-Man: Mr. Engelhard?
Me: Yes, Officer?
Police-Man: I hate to bother you, sir, but it seems your son Timmy got into some trouble at school today.
Me: *sigh* What has he done this time?
Police-Man: Well, it seems that one of the other seventh graders wouldn't share his pencil sharpener with your son, so... uh.... he, well, he got a bunch of sharpened pencils and duct taped them to his head, and found a yellow jumpsuit in one of the janitor closets. Um, and he went around calling himself "Pencil-Head" the rest of the day and stealing pencil sharpeners and head-butting the other kids.
Me: *groan* Anyone in the hospital this time?
Police-Man: No no, most of the pointy tips broke right off when he tried to stab people with his head.
Timmy: Ha Ha! You can never defeat me! Now... give me your pencil sharpeners!
Me: Not now, Timmy. Well, I can't say I'm too surprised officer, it's been two months or so since the last time, and he's been talking a little strange all week.
Police-Man: The last time?
Me: Sure, back in May somebody wouldn't let him borrow their telescope so he started wearing his Star Trek halloween costume and taped two empty paper towel rolls to his eyes and started calling himself "Captain Concave, the Telescope Avenger." And stealing everybody's telescopes.
Police-Man: Really?
Me: Yeah, this stuff happens. A month before that I come home to find the kitchen covered in oatmeal, and giant oatmeal footprints leading out to his tree-house. There I find him covered head-to-toe in dried oatmeal, insisting that I call him "Oat-Oat, the Thing That Walks Like a Man". Seems he was having trouble getting one of those microwaveable oatmeal packets open, and he...
Timmy: *headbutts me*
Me: Ow! Alright young man, that's it. Go up to your room, and start cleaning until it's time for dinner. Now, Timothy.
Timmy: There is no Timmy... only Pencil-Head!
Me: Alright Pencil-Head, then you go and clean up Timmy's room. I don't care who it is, but it better be so clean I can lick syrup off your floor.
*Timmy runs to his room, cackling maniacally and shouting, "All the pencil sharpeners in the world! And all for me!" *
Me: *sigh* Boys will be boys. Kids these days, I just don't know. In my day maybe I'd flip out once a year or so, but I rarely stabbed people, and I never accessorized like they do today.
Police-Man: Uh. Ok. Yeah, I sorta know how crazy those adolescent years can be, so I'll just release him into your custody.
Me: Thanks Officer, I'll have a long talk with him about not using pointy objects in his next insane super-villain rampage. And then I've got to pull all that duct tape out of his hair...

Even more scary to think that at this junior high, pretty much every day someone different would flip out and raid the drama department wardrobe and then terrorize the student body. I wouldn't want to work in a Spidey Super Stories junior high school, that's for sure, but man, it'd be fun to visit.

Overall Rating

2 webs. The villain is definitely lame, but just not quite lame enough to crack the tops spots. I think she needs some exploding Easter Eggs, or magical cannibal Easter baskets or something.