Spider-Man Heroes & Villains Collection (UK) #59

Background

This is a 60-part weekly series being pumped into the market by Eaglemoss publications. They don't know much about Spidey, but they know that 60 * $8.99 = quite a lot. And I'm the kind of idiot who will spend that sort of money without doing the math.

There's an original 7-page story in every issue, and collectible trading cards too. Sure, the stories are terrible, the art has been 90% ghastly, and the price is far, far too high. But there's glossy paper, trading cards, and an original Spider-Man comic strip series that 99% of the U.S. collectors will never own!

Written and illustrated (predominantly) by no-name amateurs, this is the kind of thing is pretty humiliating for a classic brand like "Spider-Man". I can understand why Disney has made the decision to pull the plug on these UK-created magazines.

Two issues remaining. Nearly done!

Story 'Master of Time!'

Dammit, do I really need to review this story? I've read it once, and frankly, it's a mish-mash of confused and generally non-associated ideas. But fine, if you need an overview, here it is.

Harry Osborn is the Green Goblin, because it makes commuting easier. He found the costume a few issues ago while being held hostage in Doctor Doom's castle. Now he uses it to help get across town to visit his father who is in a mental institution.

He encounters Spider-Man, they trip over each other, and Harry goes crashing through the windows of his father's room. What a coincidence, eh?

Spider-Man visits the Fantastic Four, who are attempting to dispose of the Green Goblin's inter-dimensional portal. There was a second one found at Doom's castle, and now there is a third one found at the North Pole.

Just before the New York Portal is transported to the Negative Zone, Doctor Dome comes through. He fights Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four, using various improbable and irrelevant time-shifting techniques.

The Green Goblin (Harry) arrives, and joins the fight against Doctor Doom. The Oscorp Tower is set on fire and destroyed.

Finally, the Portal transports Doctor Doom to Arizona, along with Norman Osborn, who is now also in a Green Goblin costume.

General Comments

What the hell? How did Norman Osborn get transported from wearing a hospital gown at a mental institution, to wearing a Green Goblin costume inside Oscorp Tower.

I have read and re-read the intervening pages, and there is no explanation given for this at all. It is entirely incomprehensible. Also incomprehensible to me is (a) Harry's motivations, and (b) the overall function of the inter-dimensional teleporters. Supposedly, the Green Goblin built at least one of them. But somehow they will give Doctor Doom "control over all time".

Overall Rating

Perhaps somewhere in the writer's head, this all made sense. I often have dreams like that. I'm dreaming, and Ella Fitzgerald is working in a donut factory designing a new-shaped hole which will cure AIDS if you glue enough of them together on live TV.

But then I wake up and realise that it's just a load of gibberish.

If only the editors of this magazine had achieved the same realisation before allowing these stories to see print.

My patience with this drivel is entirely exhausted. Another rock-bottom half-web rating for this issue.