Venom #15

Background

Day 446, night. I regret to inform you that I won't be making it this holiday. I'm so sorry, everyone... but the onslaught continues. I must put myself on the line once again to do my best to protect the innocents of the world from buying Venom. I hope you can forgive me, but hopefully for what I sacrifice, the world will be a happier place. Unfortunately for me, though, this comic is too rough even for lavatory use.

I have to say, people, it really has clearly taken a lot out of Paul and now myself to objectively review this title without resorting to paragraphs of "OH IT SUCKS ITS AWFUL GOD ALMIGHTY ITS BAD." Anyway...

In part 1 of the story, we learn that Robertson wants to kill both of the Venom creatures but has limited control over the situation. That, and Nick Fury has an IQ of about 35 all of a sudden. Spidey shows up to save the day, but wait, there's two symbiotes? Things don't look good for Our Hero!

Story Details

So we begin with the two Venoms squaring off with Spider-Man caught in the middle. Eddie right away tells Parker to "Beat it." Good idea, because with the amount of drool and innuendo floating around, this could erupt into a Ron Jeremy video at any point. So, Spider-Man goes flying away, not to be seen again for a while..

So the fight begins, and Eddie-Venom powerslams Robertson-Venom through a building, claiming that he "loves liberated women." Eddie-Venom (not to be confused with Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder) continues to pound Robertson-Venom, until Robertson replies with the unpredictable line "so... you want it rough?" and then works some symbiote magic, getting her black Venomosity to cut into Eddie.

Bob and Frankie and Vic stand in the shadows watching quietly, amazed that Robertson lasted this long. Hm, me too. Eddie slams Robertson through some more walls, telling her that she "can't give [him] a taste and just take it back." Goofy innuendo is the name of this issue, it doesn't end here. But wait - Nick Fury just aimed a bazooka at both of them, and said "taste this!" Not generic at all! Fury calls to his troops for backup ("FUBAR," he says), but noone can hear him scream. Robertson fills his mouth with symbiote goo and ties him up, telling him he'll have to die alone. Then she goes and cries herself a river for what she's become. I have never seen such a pitiful sight as Venom crying since I started buying comics in the 1980s. I mean that. The fact that Skottie young is drawing it and attempting to imitate Medina (or Ramos, when they do Venom, it's all the same) just makes it worse.

So, Spider-Man returns, asking for Robertson's "menacing" name, but Robertson just begs him to get away. Spidey has some more witty dialogue, then Robertson swats him away.

In a different alleyway, Bob punches Fury, then starts reciting a whole page worth of random numbers. This shocks Fury - it's a top secret S.H.I.E.L.D. code! Apparently, the code also exists BECAUSE of Bob Bob gives Fury a direct order to stand down (without explaining a single thing about how he's superior or whatever), and Fury complies (albeit angrily, with his new Sylvester Stallone-like attitude and intelligence).

Back to Robertson. Spider-Man keeps trying to grill her for information, but Robertson says that she has to kill it before it's "too late." I'd like to point out that the phrase "Before it's too late" has now been used in almost every issue, and not explained once. Spidey realizes that she's now talking talking about Eddie (again, you have to make assumptions based on the end of the issue to learn this), and of course, Spider-Man will protect Eddie. But he misunderstands, Roberstson won't have to get through him - Eddie shows up and swats the arachnid out of the way. Eddie then pummels Robertson ferociously, and they tumble through the street into the sewers. Eddie begs Robertson to stop fighting and they can become one (bizarre, again no reasoning given) and as they prepare to kiss, that good old cell phone (I'm betting that this phone thing used to be the Ultimate Nullifier... any takers?) appears, and blows them apart. "Where have you been?" says Robertson. Mr. Suit is back, missing half his head and an arm, but he was just "delayed."

General Comments

The single worst comic book I've ever read. I'm sick of Way not explaining his convoluted plot, and I'm beginning to wonder if all he's doing is trying to make humour out of the fact that he cannot put a plot together. It isn't funny, and neither are the recycled innuendos and double entendres from 1924 that fill these pages. Thankfully, we won't have to suffer much longer, as Venom has now been cancelled with #18.

Overall Rating

Three more to go... Oh, and the rating? I give this piece of garbage half a web, because the SpiderFan rating system doesn't go as low as zero. But you'd think in this case, our system programmer might program up a special exception!