Spider-Man Heroes & Villains Collection (UK) #38

Background

This is a 60-part weekly series being pumped into the market by Eaglemoss publications. They don't know much about Spidey, but they know that 60 * $8.99 = quite a lot. And I'm the kind of idiot who will spend that sort of money without doing the math.

There's an original 7-page story in every issue, and collectible trading cards too. Sure, the stories are terrible, the art has been 90% ghastly, and the price is far, far too high. But there's glossy paper, trading cards, and an original Spider-Man comic strip series that 99% of the U.S. collectors will never own!

Story 'Come What May'

As we open this week's tale, Spider-Man foils Sandman's attempted bank robbery. But it's not all good news for our hero. A little old lady standing in the crowd has fainted with shock. Yeah, that would be May Parker. Based on statistical evidence, you could make a good case that May Parker was the only woman over fifty ever to step onto the island of Manhattan. Well... her and Madame Web.

Spider-Man picks up May Parker and web-swings her back to her home in Forest Hills. Nobody thinks this is strange. Myself, I'm just wondering what exactly Spider-Man is swinging from in Suburbia.

Our hero may be out of the skyscrapers. But he's not out of the woods just yet. Seeking vengeance, Sandman has followed Spider-Man back to Queens and has guessed that this old lady must be related to the web-head. Just as Peter figures out that Aunt May isn't actually hurt at all, the gritty bad guy makes his move to attack the Parker home, sneaking up through the drain in their sink...

...just as Peter hits the garbage disposal button to wash some burnt waffles down the drain. Naturally, Sandman is kind of torn up by all that. Literally!

About this point, Peter changes back to Spider-Man and returns to Manhattan to try and find Sandman. Of course, he's actually heading in completely the wrong direction. Meanwhile Sandman makes a second attack, entering through the cellar and shuffling along the carpet towards the living room...

...just as Aunt May grabs the vacuum cleaner to do a bit of cleaning. Ouch! Sandman is rapidly losing more substance!

Having been emptied from the vacuum clean bag into the garbage, Sandman makes one last move. This time he sneaks in through the air conditioning system...

... just as Aunt May (yeah, you guessed it) turns on the fan, spraying fragments of the villain back out over the lawn.

Now Sandman is really mad. No more mister nice bad guy! This time he's just going to just sandblast the house to toothpicks!

Oh, no he's not. Spider-Man has returned from Manhattan, and he captures Sandman just by putting a bucket over him. You see, after being dispersed so many times, Sandman has shrunk so much that's he's only six inches tall!

General Comments

This tale really leaves Spider-Man deep in trouble. Sure, Sandman is captured for now. But Sandman now knows where Spider-Man lives. That's a nasty consequence that you can rest assured won't ever be considered.

Not only that, I think writer John Tomlinson probably doesn't really understand much about New York geography. Specifically, how long it would take Spider-Man to get from Forest Hills to New York and back, especially since the options for web-slinging are pretty slender once you leave the island.

Overall Rating

If you think too hard about it, this story doesn't make a lot of sense. But this isn't a tale for thinking too hard about. It's just a fun old romp that sees Aunt May kick some Sandman butt.

So I won't think too hard about the rating either. I'll just give it a plain old three webs. For this magazine, that's a pretty good score! Nice effort by a guest writer.