We conclude our "Worst of the Worst" review of Spider-Man: Friends & Enemies. Fortunately, my mortal soul imploded half way through last issue, so the suffering is now just a numb ache.
"So," Spidey thinks to himself, "getting ourselves captured was the only way to save the Metahumes." What? How? When? But...? Putting that piece of brain-damaged logic, wracked with deadly pain, in a thick glass liquid-filled jar, without oxygen, Spidey reads an algebraic formula on a handy monitor which tells him that "The Hostiles" mean to kill them. So he breaks free.
And Darkhawk and Nova follow his lead, easily escaping. They free the others, and within seconds they are all standing in a melo-dramatic group pose. They face "The Hostiles", who politely waited until everybody was settled.
"Remember, we know where your families are..." say the Hostiles.
"That means we'll have to kill you," comes the reply.
"But we have families too, who will avenge us," claim the Hostiles.
"No, we won't let you do it," rejoin the Heroes.
Am I the only one upchucking my milk and cookies at this sort of stuff? Maybe this was snappy stuff on 1950's B grade films, but surely... well, I guess this is a C grade comic!
But wasn't there one more "Hostile" before? Oh, one of them just slipped out, and bombarded the crystals with a wide spectrum of light, turning him into a super-crystal being... the kind of thing you see on Japanese shows. But what is it saying... "Our one directive is to assimilate all life into our crystalline mass... we will transform all the entire planet and all..."
Well, I'm sure you get the picture. The crystal monster immediately absorbs the other Hostiles. Everybody fights the crystal monster, during which we are treated the the kind of mind-numbing trite cosmic dialogue which makes your brain want to escape out your left nostril and hide in the micro-wave.
The monster is defeated, the Hostiles are dead. The crystals decide to go back to their home planet (so much for their one overwhelming purpose). SHIELD turns up and looks after everybody. But the Metahumes still have their powers.
"Thanks for your offer to train us Spider-Man," they say "but we need some time to think, figure out what we're going to do."
Want to see more of the Metahumes, the comic asks? Write to Nel Yemtov, c/o Marvel Comics, etc, etc. Perhaps we'll see The Metahumes again some day?
Or perhaps we won't.
There's a new name to praise now, here amongst The Worst of The Worst. Danny Fingeroth can take on the worst that Terry Kavanagh, Howard Mackie, John Byrne, and the awefully dated Stan Lee - and there's not much risk that he'll come up looking good.
We'll be hearing more from Danny on "Worst Of", and if Mr. Yemtov had anything to do with The Metahumes, then he may well find himself in our sights too!
The lowest of the low. Half a web. Spider-Man comics just don't get any worse.