Spider-Man: Love Bug

Background

Look, I'm not a literature snob. Really I'm not. Everybody has the absolute right to read what they want. Disney has the absolute right to publish what they want. Kids can enjoy what they want. Everybody can interpret Spider-Man the way that pleases them.

But.

BUT! This cuts both ways. I have the absolute right to tell you that this 24-page, soft-cover staple-bound 8" x 8" Spider-Man story is a god-awful bastardization which lays bare the bankrupt dried-up soul of a creatively-bereft industry which endlessly grinds the dusty bones of these worn-out Marvel characters into a soulless printing machine.

The bright colors and glossy paper stock cannot hide the cruel reality of the contents — that nothing remains inside of Spider-Man and Mary Jane but their names and approximate likenesses. The barrel has been scraped down to wood shavings.

Story Details

On his way to school, Peter felt a strange tingling. But it was not an allergic reaction to his peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. It was his spidey-sense! Peter wasn't just a high school student. He was also the famous Super Hero Spider-Man.

After a quick costume change, Spider-Man chased the villain he detected in the sky. It was Vulture!

We have no time to ask why Peter is eating his sandwiches in the morning, instead of at lunch – that's the least of the immediate questions. A much more urgent query would be: "Why does Spider-Man decide to assault Vulture by punching him and webbing-him up?"

Vulture's only apparent crime at this point is... flying through the Manhattan skyline. Is that a crime? Spider-Man swings through the Manhattan skyline. Does that mean that Spider-Man should be taken in by the police?

Still, his violent impulses assuaged by inflicting a little early-morning concussion and a restraint of liberty, Peter/Spidey swings off to school, where perhaps the second question would be: "How the hell does Peter manage to climb in through his class-room window and take his place at his desk 'unnoticed' by all his classmates?"

It's page five of the story, and I hate it already.

Peter arranges a lunchtime "date" with MJ to watch a play in Central Park.

That makes no sense either, since Peter is from Queens and goes to school in Forest Hills. How do you get from Queens into Central Park at lunchtime, watch a play, and then get back to school for the afternoon's classes? It's a solid hour by subway, each way. Plus an hour minimum for the play. Even if they did have an extended lunch-break, how does Peter explain that he's not planning to accompany MJ for the trip in on the subway?

Because Peter doesn't go by subway. He swings off to the top of a skyscraper and "detects" Electro, whom he naturally fights and defeats, which almost (but not quite) makes him late for the play.

Well-done on MJ for getting front-row seats to the play, by the way. That can't have been cheap.

But then... mid-date, Peter runs off (for the third time in the day) to fight Rhino who... is visiting the zoo or something?

You know, it's becoming apparent that Spider-Man's so-called "villains" aren't actually getting locked-up by the justice system. Maybe that's related to the fact that most of them doesn't seem to be committing crimes at the time that Spider-Man decides to assault them. Vulture is just flying around, and Rhino is just running around. Supposedly Electro is "attempting to break in to a power plant" — but we have only Spidey's word for that.

When you read the book, it seems to be that Spidey goes around and beats up people he doesn't like and then runs away. Then the police turn up and say "Well, we can't convict them of anything, there's no evidence they were even doing anything illegal other than fighting in public."

Maybe I'm getting old and cranky. But I'm really starting to wonder if maybe Jonah is right about all this.

I'm starting to side with Aunt May: "I've been reading in the Daily Bugle about that terrible Spider-Man..."

General Comments

The fundamental problem is that I feel no affection for this version of Peter or Mary Jane.

In the comic books, in the movies, even in the newspaper daily strip the characters are portrayed in a way that gives you sympathy and empathy for them. Here in this book, these figures are just thread-bare corporate properties being put through their paces once more. The cliches here have been thrashed to death and the dialog is just... awful. The pictures? MJ has a nasty case of resting-bitch-face.

What am I supposed to like about any of these people? There's absolutely nothing here to engage me at any level.

This is a "Valentine's Day" book about teenagers at high school, but the intelligence level is set at "Let's not make the six-year-olds work too hard," and the emotional level is set at "I'm sorry, but we've decided to turn off the life support."

Overall Rating

This story was reprinted in the Spider-Man Storybook Collection (2016) and then again in a 2017 hardback edition.

Three printings? I wouldn't even have given it one.