Yet another lame villain arises from some corner of the human mind best left undisturbed. The moronically menacing Mister Measles!
Mr. Measles, a hobo-dressed 'scientist', is working in his secret lab/bedroom.
Opening caption: In his little room next to the pickle factory... the evil Mr. Measles is planning to rule the world!
*snicker* Uh-Huh. Oooh, scary. Watch out Baron Zemo! Time to upgrade your armor, Dr. Doom. Heh. Did I mention that his room/evil lab is not next to just any old pickle factory? Oh no, he lives at (I swear to God this is in the comic) "POP'S PLUMP PICKLES", with a smiling, oh-so-plump pickle painted thirty feet high on the wall. Probably doesn't bring a lot of women back to his place, I would imagine.
I'll let him explain his grand plan for world conquest, because I couldn't
possibly do its total grand awesomeness any justice in summary.
Mr. Measles: I have a million Measles Spots in this
*hold up a generic shopping bag with the word SPOTS painted in the side*
Mr. Measles: I'll throw these spots at people, and they'll
get the measles!
*throws a giant handful in the air to demonstrate his awesome might to uh...
nobody, since he lives all alone next to the pickle factory.*
Mr. Measles: Then everybody will have to stay in bed, in the dark where they can't read! By the time they get better... I'll rule the world!
I've read some comic books in my day. I've read some stupid, stupid plans from some stupid, stupid villains. I remember the time Mysterio tried to evict someone from a run-down apartment and ended up getting trashed by Power Pack. I remember the time the Squadron Sinister helped an alien flood the world for a big stack of cash. I own all of Rocket Racer's appearances. But no one, NO ONE can really think this plan is going to work. Let me analyze it, in terms of its villainous potential and effectiveness.
"I'll throw these spots at people, and they'll get the
Well, I guess that's sorta evil. My X-girlfriend once gave me mono. And come to
think of it, she was pretty evil. So I guess that's ok.
"Then everybody will have to stay in bed"
Well, not really. In fact, at no point in this story do any of the people who
get the measles feel a sudden urge to go hop into bed. They sorta walk around
like you know, they're people who might have the measles.
"in the dark where they can't read!"
Whoa, slow down there tiger. You know, there's this thing called daytime, its
uh, that time when it's like, not dark outside. So even if they were in bed
(which they aren't) they could still read half the day. And there's even a crazy
new invention sweeping the country called "electric lighting". I don't know,
some of your victims may have access to this fantastic technology that WOULD
ALLOW THEM TO READ ANY TIME THEY WANTED TO. Sorta ruins the whole plan, huh? And
I don't know about you, if I (in some parallel universe) did get the measles and
immediately just had to go straight to my bed, I'd spend the whole day
reading, way more than I would on a normal boring work day. So there.
"By the time they get better... I'll rule the
mmmm... (Homer Simpson voice) O-kay then.... I guess... I think there's a middle step missing here. Dr. Doom usually inserts something here like "And then I'll use my mind control ray to take control of the sick world leaders!" or maybe even "I'll control all the world's pharmacies and then the world will be my clambake!" which is a fairly lame plan, but way better than Mr. Measles just somehow assuming control of the world from his pickle factory apartment.
I mean, really. Not only have most people (even in the 70s) had measles shots when they where like 2 years old, but even once you get it, you can't ever get it again. So even if you did "rule the world", yeah, what would you do three weeks later when everyone gets better, huh? Didn't think that far ahead, did you? Russia and Israel, for example, really, really hate it when other people take over their countries. I bet KGB and Mossad agents would be killing each other just to find out who gets the privilege of wasting this loser.
And why if we stop reading will this help him, anyway? I mean, maybe if he did conquer the world and then say, Clinton and other world leaders didn't read the newspaper and notice, is that his plan? But if no one knows you've conquered the world, have you really conquered it? There was this one time I declared myself "Grand Emperor of LUV", but my friends refused to call me that. I knew in my heart that I was truly the Grand Emperor of LUV, but it somehow seemed a hollow victory.
*ARGH*... Mr. Measles plan so terrible.... head aching just trying to understand... must stop....
Let's just see how it all plays out. And if it doesn't end with this loser slowly suffocating in a big ball of webbing, I'm giving up comics. For good this time.
So, after all that grand planning, Mr. Measles chooses some random street corner
to begin his world conquest. Mr. Measles leaps off some building and lands in
the middle of a sidewalk. The funniest thing is how impressed everyone then is
with his Measle power. The crowd goes,
Loser Woman: Look, it's *gasp* Mr. Measles!
Horrid Little Man: Don't let him spot you! (As in Measle 'spot' you. Ha)
At which point Spidey swings by and kicks the horrid little man in the head, screaming "NO PUNS FOR YOU! ONLY PUNS FOR ME! THIS ONE IS FOR BEING LAME! THIS ONE IS FOR HITTING ON MY AUNT! THIS ONE IS FOR HAVING HARRY OSBORN'S HAIRCUT! THIS ONE IS FOR IT BEING A LOSER HAIRCUT!" *sigh* No, but I really wish Spidey would have, cause this guy keeps spouting out nonsense throughout the rest of the story.
In case we missed his brilliant plan the first time, Mr. Measles takes time out
here to remind us.
Mr. Measles: When I fling my bag of spots... you'll get the measles and have to stay in bed! You can't have books, magazines, or newspapers. Then I can rule the world!
My God, is he proud of this plan. He feels the need to tell everyone he meets about his clever plan. You know, it's normally a little more difficult to conquer the world when you keep telling people that you're just about to do so. Here, though, it doesn't make a whit of difference, since his awesome powers can't even conquer the corner newsstand.
After he is done explaining his plan to the crowd, he finally gets around to
actually performing his dastardly deed. Mr. Measles flings a whole crapload of
Measle Spots at the crowd.
Blonde Chick: Spots! I have the measles!
Loser Woman: He even gave measles to my car!
Horrid Little Man: My shopping bag has measles, too!
Blonde Chick: Somebody do something!
Pay attention here people, this may be difficult for you to understand. Mr. Measles didn't really give measles to your car. He threw his little red spots and they stuck to your car, stupid. See, there's this difference between things that are NOT alive (possibly squishy) and things that are alive (definitely squishy). Things that are not alive, like applesauce and Tupperware and volcanic ash and Aunt May, can't get the measles. I believe CARS and SHOPPING BAGS sort of fall in this category. Examples of things that are alive are things like Sea Monkeys, mildew, and that Dave Thomas guy. They can get the measles. Got it now?
And I'm not even going to talk about the horrid little man from before who is way more concerned about his shopping bag contracting a disease than the fact he is now covered head to toe in giant red bacterial spots.
Spidey is swinging by (isn't he always? Let's hear it for Spidey!), and his
Spider-Sense tells him something's wrong. "I see
danger!" Spidey says, and yells at Mr. Measles to stop.
Mr. Measles: Spider-Man! My Enemy!
*turns to menacingly face Spidey*
I actually don't think Spider-Man is the type of arch-enemy superhero you really
want. Not only is Spider-Man taken, he can kick your butt six ways from Sunday.
Aim a little lower. I hear Kool-Aid Man is looking for a new nemesis...
Mr. Measles: I'll fix you! What are you going to do about
*Mr. Measles throws some spots at Spidey*
Spidey: I'll fling this web, that's what, you -- you
measley menace! You won't rule the world now!
I can't believe that Spidey is actually worried about this guy ruling the world.
Personally, I'd rather have underwater breathing and get my head dunked in fish
tanks at keg-parties than have the ability to give people measles. NO ONE is
going to want to hang out with you. You're not going to rule the world either
way, but at least with underwater breathing you'll probably inherit your Dad's
sea cucumber kingdom or something.
*Spidey then pulls Mr. Measles bag away with his web, spilling spots all over
himself in the process. Way to go with that super-agility, Spidey.*
Mr. Measles: You win this time, you creepy crawly! But
I'll be back!
*Spidey proceeds to run around behind Mr. Measles, and (quite literally) kick his butt off panel. He doesn't bother to web him up, or call the police, or anything. Just boots him like a Norwegian soccer player.*
Spidey here demonstrated one of the one-hundred seventeen basic flaws in Mr. Measles plan. Ok, so he throws spots at you. You may develop an itchy skin disease in 9 to 14 days. But nothing is really stopping you from kicking this guy's butt right now. Even if you're a ten year old girl, believe me, you can definitely take this guy out. So as soon as Mr. Measles starts throwing spots outside the local biker bar, you just know he's going to be a hood ornament for some trans-sexual biker prostitute named Chi-Chi.
But though his menace has been defeated, his legacy yet remains, which means you
are not free to go yet.
Mr. Caption: But did Spidey really beat Mr. Measles?
Spidey: What do I see on my hands and arms? Oh, no! Spots! It looks like ten
days in bed for me!
Mr. Caption: The Itchy End -- for the next ten days anyway!
Oh, that Mr. Caption, what a regular laugh riot. Writing THAT funny should only be found in Wayans brothers films. *Whew* I think I've composed myself now. Alright, and Spidey, why are you so frickin surprised you have spots all over you? You're the big brain who decided to grab Mr. Measles bag and then spilled it all over yourself. You know, I can't remember the last time I went shopping and *whoops* spilled a big shopping bag all over my head. Even people from Delaware don't do that.
All right, quick math lesson Mr. Measles. You've got one million spots in a bag. You have to infect the entire world in the next three days so they all develop the skin rash at the same time. You have to personally throw spots on each person in the world to infect them. Well, ok that's already not going to happen. But let's examine your spot use in this story anyway.
-100 randomly flinged in air to demonstrate coolness of his plan to no one in
-800 flung at people at one corner in the city. (~100 each times eight
-200 to infect the shopping bag. Oh yes, the shopping bag.
-100 randomly flung in air when he was re-explaining his plan and got excited
-400 to infect the car. It was a total bananamobile car, too. Bright lemon
-200 in futile attempt to fight off superhero.
So that's 1800 spots used, let's round to 2000 spots to handle one street corner
full of morons, and actually infect about ten people.
Now let's see. you average about 200 spots per person, 6 billion people... carry the one... uh... So at this rate, Mr. Measles needs 1.2 trillion spots. And you have a million. Yeah. Or to look at it another way, he could conquer about 20 square city blocks. That's a little bit different from conquering the WHOLE FRIGGIN' WORLD.
Who knew five measley (Oh, a pun! Ha Ha. Ha.. ha... heh. Jesus, do I have no self-respect, or what) pages could provide such entertainment?
Ok, here's my attempt at making a better villainous plan by taking random
snippets of conversation I heard today, and adding "then I'll rule the
"Hey, hand me the stapler. No, the new one. Then I'll rule the world!"
"Have you talked to your Grandpa lately? Then I'll rule the world!"
"I'll buy the cheap flatware as a wedding present! Then I'll rule the
"Let me tell you about the New Gold-Platinum Premium Member's Only Elitist
Edition Visa, which can be yours if I can just confirm this information. Then
I'll rule the world!"
"Hey, buddy, keep those hands where I can see them. I'm not that kind of girl! Then I'll rule the world!"
Other than that last one (I have no idea where I heard that phrase today... ) I think those are all completely workable villain plans, at least as good as Mr. Measles plan. Yup.
4 webs. I want to see Mr. Measles in the Spider-Man movie. A big CGI Mr. Measles. Voiced by that midget guy who played the Leprechaun.