We continue our "Worst of the Worst" review of Spider-Man: Friends & Enemies. We're up to part two, but already, the pain is nearly intolerable.
Spider-Man fell in with a bad crowd. Doctor Octopus. Nova, Darkhawk, Speedball. They turned to a life of crime. Oh no, that's just a daydream Spidey had. Well, it occupied a few pages.
Meanwhile, the baddy, Flynn, has given his metahumes some costumes, and using his control of them they rob a bank, and escape to their newly rented helicopter, with radar jamming devices. Cool, he robs a bank, but he rents a helicopter. I guess there's something sacred about helicopter rental companies.
Curious about what kind of powers the meta-humes have? There's a guy who turns to diamond, a chick who controls machines, a psychic, somebody who does an iceman sort of thing... oh, you get the idea. Put any two fourteen year olds in a room for five minutes and ask them to create some super-powers, that's the kind of thing they'll come up with.
But when they get back to the base, some of them threaten to slip out of Flynn's control, so there's a gratuitous fight scene. Now to the heros' base. They're getting a bit ratty with each other too. I don't blame them, being in a stupid plot is enough to test anybody's patience.
So how will they recover the trail? The computer beeps, and there's a message. "Unidentified individual has word out on underworld internets data referring to sale of services and/or physical entities of six superhuman adolescents, codename METAHUMES."
The computer goes on to say "Rumors have it that a meeting relating to these Metahumes will be taking place at 10:30pm Thursday at 1111 Halsahove, Brooklyn." Thank goodness for rumour and underworld Internets! Now the heroes have a place to go.
So the deal is going on. Flynn is looking to sell the kids for about five million each. But, the crooks he's selling to aren't playing fair! They've brought along "The Armoured Muscle of The Seekers!" And they're not singing "Hey There, Georgie Girl". Nope, these are brightly coloured flying armoured guys that Terry Kavanagh probably wished he had invented. Oh, wait on, he did. Several times. These aren't any better.
Metahumes beat The Seekers. Heroes arrive. Flynn takes hostages, and they escape in a van. Oh no, our heroes are powerless. But wait, as they depart, a "Flying Sky-Eye is locked onto them." Who are the armour-suited beings now monitoring the Metahumes. Not The Seekers, they lasted three panels, tops. No, it's "The Hostiles".
Please mommeee... make it stop!
Half a web.