Rave : 2001 : My Aunt, My Android (...or, Aunt May Who?)
Hey, Aunt May was resurrected. Remember that beautiful J.M. DeMatteis story in Amazing #400 - the one where Peter finally had to grow up, and move on to a new stage of his life?
Well, once again, Marvel proved that even if you see the body on a slab, they still ain't dead. In doing so, I believe they made one of the worst editorial decisions of all time. But, what really annoys me, is that after such a poorly-considered ret-con, what did Howard Mackie do with Aunt May? NOTHING! It was left up to Roger Stern, in the Revenge of The Green Goblin, to actually use the character for anything more than scenery!
Well... I hate to see anything go to waste, so I have a grand plan to fix up some major holes in the Spider-Man books, so that we can finally move forward again. My plan achieves some key goals.
- Restores dignity to ASM #400.
- Finally pushes Aunt May into the action.
- Provides a launching point for returning Terry Kavanagh to the creative team.
Here it is, a little story I call... My Aunt, My Android!
Here's the scoop. In ASM #500 (a.k.a. Vol.2 #59) - Peter goes home to visit Aunt May, who has been having 'dizzy spells'. As he goes to open the door, his Spider-Sense buzzes into overdrive. Cut to an inner shot of a shadowy figure behind the door.
He changes to Spider-Man, and sneaks to the kitchen window, where he sees, behind the cupboards, Aunt May's dress, and what appears to be Aunt May. He crashes through the window, thinking "It's a good thing I whipped up these new exploding web-bombs" as he launches a handfull of web-grenades into various corners.
"If you've hurt my Aunt May... I'll hunt you to the ends of the earth," he screams. (Ignoring the fact that he's dressed as Spider-Man, and has just given away a major identity clue).
Now in the room, he can see that the clothing is unoccupied... and as he bends over the pile, his spider-sense again warns him, but nearly too late! A plasma bolt explodes within inches of his head. He spins around to see Aunt May, clad in Kevlar body armour, wielding a plasma pistol.
"No! How can I fight my own Aunt, he cries!" Bzzzt, Frzzt, eat C4 wheat-cakes, replies his Aunt, as she opens a nearby Macy's anniversary tin, and tosses them at him... Spidey narrowly dodges the explosions. "This... Bzzt.. Kitchen will be your doommzzzt - Spider-Man!"
"No! It's a death trap!" As the taps start shooting ultra-heated water at him. I must get some space... thinks our hero. My new Spider-Glider will get me out of here, while I rest and think! He calls the glider, and flies through the (other, previously unbroken) window, shattering it as he goes.
But what's this? Aunt May's slippers are really jet boots in disguise. She flies out, through the ultra-heated steam, and her face melts, reveling her to be... an android.
CUT - to a shadowy warehouse, where a shadowy figure sits in a shadowy chair. "No!" He thinks, there has been a malfunction... my killer assassin-droid has revealed itself too early! But I can still turn this situation to my advantage!
I shall send in... "The Eradicators!" He pushes a button. And in a dark warehouse, three shadowy figures stir, inside hermetically sealed chambers. "My genetically enhanced she-warriors will seal his fate!" gleefully exhorts the shadowy mastermind.
The light comes up... and we see... in the chambers... the figures of Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy, and Jean DeWolff. They are dressed in partial body armour, sort of like adamantium bikinis. You get the idea. As one, they think "Must destroy... Peter Parker - Spider-Man".
"See how I have plotted for years, Spider-Man. These women, you thought dead... each was in fact replaced by Genetic Constructs, Hypnotised Trained Actresses who had undergone plastic surgery, which is not the same as Cloning... so that the originals could become the architects of of your final humiliating defeat!"
"Go now, my sweet dark creatures... HaHaHaHa!!!"
"Go now, for it is the time, to reveal to Spider-Man... the truth which lies behind... the FACADE!"
Next Issue: Facade Revealed! The mystery deepens. And the tragic conclusion... in "Ninja Aunt-Droid!"